bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
