You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
