apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
