That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
