what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
