i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
