i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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