Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
