i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
