this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
