I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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