so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
