So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
