When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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