who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
