My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Its about making memories worth repressing
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
