Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
