dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
