It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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