see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
