Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
