guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
