I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
