her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
stop calling my apartment porn island.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
