what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sober January is a disaster.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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