I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
