Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
