I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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