Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
A+ Viking dick
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
