we have pet lesbian snakes
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
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