I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
