My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
