she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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