i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
