Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
