Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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