I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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