You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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