I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
