Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
