I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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