I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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