i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
