and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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