my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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