My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i dont even know how to be here
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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