There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
