apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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