She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
