The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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